A Shy Girl’s Guide to Taking Up Space in the Gym
Because women deserve to be strong too
I’ve always been a full-blooded introvert. For most of my life, I was terrified of veering outside of my comfort zone or drawing attention to myself by straying from the norm. So how did I end up becoming one of the only women at my gym loading up a barbell in a sea of men, on a mission to defy everything diet culture has taught me?
I’d been curious about fitness for a long time before I finally took the leap into a consistent routine. I took stabs at workouts over the years, but the weights section intimidated me. It was mostly populated by big, sweaty men, and I feared that a single step into the vicinity would draw the attention of every person in the room. Who did I think I was to be over there, with not a single clue how to use the equipment and an evident lack of muscle that showcased my inexperience? The day I realized this voice in my head was exactly that – in my head – was the day I fell in love with the gym, and consistency became natural.
I leaned in because cardio and yoga weren’t working for me. I’d been insecure about my body for most of my life at that point, a common side effect of girlhood, and I saw the gym as a place to fix a problem – the size of me. The goal was to lose weight, to lose inches, to shrink. It felt like cleaning up a mess I had made, a chore to check off my list. Working out with this tune playing in the background of my internal monologue made it hard to stay committed to fitness. I was in a vicious cycle of tearing myself down to convince myself to workout, and beating myself up when I didn’t.
In the wake of the pandemic, I found myself on what I can only describe as a transformative self-love journey – one that pushed me away from the rooted desire to disappear and towards a newfound interest in growth. What would happen, I wondered, if I used the gym to make myself bigger instead of smaller? To grow my muscles instead of shrinking my stomach? This is how the gym is often marketed to men – get big and strong to fulfill your tough masculine role in society – while girls are told the opposite – get skinny and light to fulfill your delicate feminine role in society. As women, we are expected to pursue activities like yoga and pilates and spin class to get “toned,” but are never told that the fastest road to a toned upper body involves a lot more than pressing six pounds between Peloton sprints.
I’m not here to hate on anyone who enjoys yoga or pilates or spin class. These are all great ways to stay active, and if that’s what gets you moving, keep doing it. I’m just here to say that strength training has a host of benefits for women, and we shouldn’t have to give them up because we’re afraid to participate in male-dominated spaces. Not only does it support weight loss and mental health, but it also improves bone density, which helps prevent ailments like osteoporosis and degenerative bone disease. It also improves mobility and flexibility, which supports our ability to perform daily movements, especially as we age.
In my humble three years of lifting, I’ve heard from several women who hold this dreaded fear of the weights section. Some tell me they’re afraid to lift because they don’t want to get “bulky.” Some tell me they’re afraid they’ll look stupid because they don’t know what they’re doing, or because the amount of men occupying the space intimidates them. Every time I hear these concerns from women, my mind starts racing with a million pieces of tiny wisdom I want to impart all at once. Not because I know everything about fitness (important disclaimer: I am not a personal trainer), but because I’ve been there. Yes, right there – in that exact same paralyzing but curious spot – and I’ve learned a whole lot of things in my journey of getting unstuck.
No One is Looking At You
The most common thing I hear from women who are afraid to start strength training is that they’re afraid of people watching them in the gym. As someone who also hates to be perceived, I was in this spot for a long time. I didn’t know the first thing about strength training. I didn’t know which pieces of equipment to use, or how to use them. At one point, I looked up how to adjust a weight bench because I didn’t want to look stupid in front of regular gym-goers for even a moment and expose myself as the amateur I obviously was (pro tip: Pull the pin out of the side, adjust the back of the seat to your preferred angle, and let go of the pin. It’s super easy and definitely does not require a tutorial).
The simple fact that changed my life is that everyone in the gym is looking at themselves. Seriously! Most people stare at their own reflection in the mirror to ensure they’re performing their movements correctly. A lot of exercises also require you to maintain a neutral spine, which usually means you’re forced to look directly ahead or at the floor. And while resting between sets, most people do the same thing they do while waiting for any other amount of time to pass – they glue their eyes to their phones. Don’t panic if someone’s eyes catch yours in the mirror. Eyes wander, and sometimes people might happen to be gazing in your direction. This doesn’t mean they’re judging you, or that you’re necessarily doing anything wrong. If you act confident, everyone will assume you know what you’re doing.
Another thing to remember is that the gym is a community of people all working on themselves, trying to improve their fitness. A lot of regular gym goers are super supportive and nice, even the big men who look intimidating! They’re there to do the same thing you’re doing, and whether your new personal record is 10 lbs or 100 lbs, people at the gym tend to appreciate and respect other people working hard to achieve their goals. Everyone has a first day in the gym at some point.
If your anxiety tends to get the best of you, go when the gym is empty! My first adventure in the weights section was at 5am on a Sunday morning. No one was there, except for one elderly man doing bicep curls in the corner. After I performed my routine once through in near isolation, I was able to come back the next day at peak time to do it again in confidence. Some gyms are open 24 hours, but if yours isn’t, early mornings or late nights tend to be the best time for encountering as few people as possible.
Plan Your Workout
I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to feel confident in the gym when you go with a plan in your back pocket. You might not be a certified personal trainer, and maybe this is your first time ever stepping foot in a gym. That doesn’t mean you need to go in blind. Hiring a personal trainer is a great option, if it fits your budget – most gyms offer sessions with certified staff who can show you basic routines tailored to your fitness goals – but in 2024, you don’t need to pay someone to learn a new skill. Weightlifting is no exception.
When I started, I was a job-seeking college graduate who didn’t know a single thing about weightlifting. I was a member of the cheapest gym in the city, and I was not about to spend another dime on a personal trainer. So how did I walk confidently into the gym on day one with a full blown routine up my sleeve? I soaked up free video content like a sponge. I’m the first to admit I learned everything I know about fitness from TikTok creators, particularly those who are certified personal trainers. Not everyone on TikTok knows what they’re talking about, but a lot of people do.
When you’re planning your workout, make sure to pick exercises you like. In my experience, this makes it a lot easier to like the gym, and increases the odds that you’ll show up consistently. Some exercises might not work for you – and that’s okay. Know that I’m not referring to exercises that are hard, because most exercises will feel unfamiliar and difficult to get the hang of when you first start learning them. I’m talking about exercises that irritate you. For example, I haven’t done a lunge since 2019. I feel like they put negative stress on my knees. Instead, I target the same muscle group with Bulgarian split squats, which are notoriously hard and make me want to scream and cry and throw up, but do not instill fear that I’ll need to get knee surgery in my twenties. Bulgarian split squats are hard because they’re effective, and results require hard work.
Start Small & Prioritize Form
Form is arguably the most important part of successful lifting. Many trainers recommend starting with little to no weight at first until you’ve perfected your ability to perform the movements correctly. This is so important because it mitigates your risk of injury and ensures effective workouts. If your form is incorrect, you likely aren’t hitting the proper muscle areas, and even if you’re pulling heavy weights, you won't see much growth in the areas you’re hoping to target. Once you get the form down, you can increase your weights gradually.
Videos are great because they make it easy to see the do’s and don'ts of performing a movement, and you can save videos of different exercises to create a custom routine that works for you. When I started, I also made a habit of propping my phone against my water bottle and recording my exercises to compare my movements to those in trainers’ tutorials. This made it super easy to evaluate where I needed to improve my form, and as long as you leave the tripod and ring light at home, no one will notice what you’re doing.
Girl bossing the gym means not letting your ego get in the way of your growth. I know it can feel mortifying to walk past experienced lifters throwing around heavy weights while you’re on your way to grab the lightest dumbbells on the rack. It’s important to remember that every person starts small in the beginning, so don’t try to take on more than your body can handle.
Lifting Will Not Make You “Bulky”
This may be the biggest myth of them all that has kept women away from the weights for generations. Let this be the moment I kill it in your brain forever: Lifting weights, even really heavy ones, does not make women “bulky.” You’re not going to turn into The Rock as soon as you touch a barbell. I promise.
If you want to build lean muscle without increasing the mass of your muscles, you’ll want to go for intensity over volume by doing less reps of heavier weights (for example, 8 reps of 20 lbs). However, if you want to build muscle mass in areas like your glutes and back (a popular approach to an “hourglass” figure), you’ll want to go for volume over intensity by doing more reps of lighter weights (for example, 15 reps of 10 lbs).
Once you get the form down, don’t let this bulky myth stop you from going for gradually heavier weights. Pushing the boundaries of your body’s limits accelerates your progress, and you’ll see results faster. Generally, a good rule of thumb for deciding how much to pick up is to choose a weight that allows you to complete 3 – 5 sets of 8 – 15 reps with 60 – 120 seconds of rest between sets. According to the American Council on Exercise, the 8 - 15 rep range holds the most muscle-building potential. To optimize your strength workouts, many trainers recommend training close to failure. “Failure” is when you cannot perform an exercise completely without breaking proper form. So, if you know you’ll fail on the 10th rep in a set at a certain weight, try to complete 8 or 9 reps.
Consistency Is Everything!
You are not going to see results in a day. In fact, it will take 8-12 weeks before you start seeing real and transformative progress. The key to success is consistency.
As crazy as it sounds, when I got started in the gym, going six days a week was easier for me than going three days a week. Committing to six days a week allowed me to fall into a routine, and whether or not I would go to the gym stopped being a conversation I had with myself at six in the morning. If I’m given the option of whether or not I’m going to get out of bed and put myself through intense physical duress at the crack of dawn on a Monday, the answer is always going to be no. So I stopped making it an option and turned it into a meeting I had with myself, one that I didn’t need to look put together or wide awake for, but that I had to show up for. Whatever happened at the meeting was up to me – working out legs or arms, or maybe just a long walk and a deep stretch because my muscles were still in recovery – but showing up was mandatory. If I truly couldn’t make it, I had to pencil that meeting into my schedule somewhere else.
Going to the gym as soon as I woke up became a habit and just as much a part of my morning routine as brushing my teeth. It became such an integral process in my daily life that, on the seventh day reserved for rest and recovery, I found myself itching for some physical activity.
Fitness is about showing up – not for anyone else, but for yourself. If you’re doing it for your almond mom or your bodybuilder boyfriend or your pilates friend with good genetics, it’s going to suck, and you’re (probably) going to fail. So do it for you! Do it for the endorphins. Do it for the satisfaction of hitting a new personal record. Do it for the comfort of knowing you, if no one else, are going to show up for yourself to support your own success – and you’re going to do it in pink lifting gloves.